I have frequently seen sweeping statements like these:
‘The best kind of sub/dom is…’
‘If you are a true sub/dom you are…’
‘A real sub/dom wouldn’t…’
It surprises me that people who are sexually open minded can make statements like this. It also surprises me of often I read or hear things like this being said.
I wonder if some people look at what I have written and think, “She’s put sub before dom in that sentence and dom hasn’t been capitalised.” I remember being taught in Sunday school we always had to write God with a capital G-and gosh, we might go to hell if we didn’t show him that respect!
Well if there’s a submissives hell for not capitalising the word dom, I hope it has whips and chains.
I also don’t like using the language the kinky community use, things like “D/s” or nicknames like “subbie”. I avoid them in what I write because using jargon means you are only writing to one niche and I like to give everyone the opportunity to understand and enjoy my blog. This is an opinion on a kind of sex but I feel it should apply to all kinds of relationships. In this a little jargon is unavoidable to express myself clearly.
To me submissive in the context of this post is how you live your sex life. That may or may not include the rest of your life or your personality in general.
I am just starting out on things, this blog included. So far I haven’t shared my personal opinions in any way because I feel I am not informed enough in this new world to have opinion I am confident with sharing. (I do hope this doesn’t bite me in the bum!) This is a bit different; these are my observations as a newbie. As someone new, I look to others for support and advice. I have some great friends and I read a lot online. I love a good twitter debate, but I’m mostly too reserved about my opinion to join in and I fear offending people. But I don’t need to be an expert to express this.
I was inspired to write this as something on twitter sparked my interest and started a discussion about the submissive, dominant dynamic. This isn’t the first time I have seen this kind of thing crop up but it is the first time I have felt like writing more than 140 characters on the subject.
There appears to be this idea that there is a right or a wrong way of doing things, even when it comes to how people chose to do things for themselves. (I’m not saying everyone ever, I just get vibes of this from time to time.) Naughtyupnorth wrote, “I wouldn’t even class myself as a full and true submissive as I am not in a D/s relationship.” Somewhere she has picked up this idea that there is such thing as a ‘full’ or ‘true’ submissive and that you need to be in a full time D/s relationship to be one.
I disagree with this statement.
I don’t think there is a ‘full’ or ‘true’ submissive. Saying so means we are working to ideals that cannot be measured and do not exist. You are only as full or as true in yourself and in any way to the other person (or people!) you are with. This may or may not include a collar, this may or may not mean you live it 24/7, there are many variations. No one outside of that can comment or criticise the way you do things.
I hope the above statement comes from a place of admiration in the same way I admire people in loving relationships. I don’t view them as the perfect kinky relationship; I respect and admire them for having something that works perfectly for them, and that is something I hope to have one day. There is no right way to do your relationship; as Calamitys_Chaos put it, it’s all about finding that perfect combination.
My response to naughtyupnorth was, do what makes you happy. If she aspires to being a ‘true’ submissive because she has figured out what she wants and what being a true submissive means to her-then great. One day maybe I’ll figure that out too! If it’s because there is this notion that you cannot be a ‘true’ submissive without ticking certain boxes in everyone else’s eyes, then that’s not so great. And this is what concerns me as someone new to all this; the idea you have to ‘tick boxes’ to be accepted by certain people even if you are not with them. There seems to be a bit of a divide going on and with one person even saying they have unfollowed people on twitter for having these views.
Hungry_joe wrote, “The best submissives in the world are those that beg to submit, instead of being forced to submit.” This statement is what triggered our little twitter debate. I do love twitter for that!
You are as submissive as you choose to be, and for me that is a key thing. It is a choice. There is no best kind of submissive, some may only love to beg, some may love to be made to submit, some just simply, willingly want to submit. Personally I love a mix of the lot. This doesn’t make me better or worse, and being ‘made’ to do some things is sometimes the only way I will get to do what I really want. I fully expect this to change over time and when I look back I won’t think I was doing it wrong before, I like to think it’s just experimentation until I find my sexy feet.
Obviously we cannot prefix everything with, ‘In my opinion’ as some kind of twitter disclaimer and 140 characters is open to interpretation. I guess what made this such a good starting point of the discussion is the idea there are only two kinds of submissive and you are not good if you are the other kind. This opened the floor for other people to express their opinions about what being submissive is.
On the flip side, if someone has personal ideals on what they think is a right or wrong way of doing things, or the things they like the best, this should be expressed in such a way that they are for the other person they are or could be with. I guess the ultimate win is finding someone who agrees with your right way of doing things and becomes the yang to your yin.
What I disagree with is enforcing this opinion upon all kinky folk and being un-accepting of people who do not suit your personal ideals when it comes to kink. I find it sad to know that there are people like that out there. I wonder if it is as concerning to others as it is to me that someone relatively new to all this kinkiness can see this so soon.
Every level of dominance and submission has its place in a relationship, or your life and those around you. Just because you are single doesn’t mean you are not a fully fledged submissive. Being submissive is not black and white. You don’t qualify for it or take an exam; it’s not a case of getting in the club when you find your dom. It’s a way you choose to enjoy your sexual relationships in many shades of naughtiness. And like the vast amount of kinky shit we get up to, there are equally as many ways for this dynamic to work.
Telling me I am doing something wrong as submissive, is wrong. Same goes for a dominant, just so I’m not missing you guys out or something! People are dominant in their own ways as much as submissives are. Telling me I have done something wrong and that I am a naughty girl, well, that’s a bit different and alright by me.
Finally, I would like to borrow from Ruby Goodnight, “It’s about control. It’s not so much how it gets there, but the overall act and feeling. No need to set a path in stone.”
Do what makes you feel good and what feels right to you as an individual. Don’t let other people control or influence your opinions on what is right or wrong, better or worse when it comes to exploring your sexuality. Anyone who shuns others for the way they do things is just not cool. Figure this out in your own way and save the control for all the naughty stuff.
Thanks for indulging my newbie opinions, I would love to hear yours in the comments so long as you promise to be nice to each other.