This is a list I put together when I was pondering what I would do if I had a penis for the day. Because this is actually how my mind works, especially when it’s supposed to be thinking about more important things.
1. Pee standing up
This is a novelty I don’t think men appreciate. To not have to remove the lower half of your clothes, or all your clothes if you happen to be wearing a onesey. This can be a tricky procedure after a night of drinking.
Also, if we get caught out us girls have to squat in an undignified manor, there is nothing visually haunting about a man peeing in public, unless they decide to face away from the wall.
2. Stick it in a girl
Standard list entry for this subject, and I don’t mind where either. Vagina, arse, hell I would be happy to lube up her armpit and stick it there just to see what it felt like. I think the most important thing for me is knowing what that actually feels like to have your sex organ surrounded, gripped, squeezed, sucked, engulfed in someone instead of poked.
3. Stick it in anything
A jar of peanut butter crossed my mind.
A jar of nutella chocolate spread, then I would try to suck it off myself.
The furniture, I have heard tales of boys who have just worked out how much fun their willy is that they shag their mums sofa. I would.
The hoover, but not a Dyson, I want to keep my penis.
Blow up doll.
A life like sex doll.
One of those silly willy toys you used to giggle at as a kid.
Silly putty.
Car exhaust.
Your sister, your mum, and probably your dad too.
4. Shower with other men
Ok, this one is purely driven from my female brain of wanting to know what men talk about to other men when no women are around and to see men naked in the shower.
5. Deliberately wear clothes that show off my shlong
I would go out in white linen trousers with no underwear, that are a little too tight for other people’s comfort, take one of those clicker counters and count the number of times people looked at my junk. Then I would do the same in different clothes and make a chart showing the most effective clothing for inappropriately showing your penis outline in public. And I would always wear tight Speedos to the beach, because mine would be huge, obviously.
6. Take pictures
My penis would be beautiful. It would be straight and long and wide and the kind of thing you look at and your vagina winces at and sighs at the same time. Therefore I would take pictures. I would frame these pictures, and send them to people.
I would definitely send it to girls. And I would take pictures of my penis doing everything in this list and put it on the internet for fun.
Hey everyone! Look what I've got!
7. Masturbate anywhere
My masturbation is limited to my bedroom and the work loos when I can’t wait to get home. I feel a penis would open up so many more masturbation opportunities. As a guy I would care less about being caught. If got caught in public the officers, obviously female, will be so overcome by my beautiful penis they will immediately rush to finish me off.
8. Taste my own spunk
Men don’t get how funky spunk tastes and will still expect us girls to swallow it or play with it in our mouths like porn stars while holding back the vomit gags. And the smell! Ugh, it’s not a bad smell but it is a smell, try having that actually up your nose. I did once, don’t try it.
I have only met a couple of men who are not afraid of the taste of their own semen.
I will test the fart theory: There is nothing better than your own brew.
9. Do the windmill thing
In front of the mirror.
Laugh a lot.
Do it again and laugh some more.
Then probably get bored and have a wank.
10. Make a mould of my penis
I would make a vibrator out of my penis, so when I return to being a women, I can fuck myself.
I love all of those ideas. #8 though I think depends on the person and what they eat and drink. I have had someone who I actually thought tasted sweet, he drank lots of juice and water.
Can’t say it’s ever tasted sweet for me no matter how much juice they drink!
Thanks for the comment xx
I think about #1 and envy men every single time I use a public loo.
As for #8, spaff after beer is nothing less than horrid.
Cool post!
Thanks glad you liked it.
Men’s loos are disgusting but I figure I don’t need to go in there I could just aim from the door right!
And yeah beer spaff is the WORST!!! ugh!!
Xx
My lover’s spunk tastes, appropriately, quite nutty. More like almond than anything else I can describe. I savor it…
Wow I’m glad you savour his spunk. I think you’re one of the lucky few
xx
#1: I totally envy guys being able to just unzip and pee. I actually get exhausted taking off my pants. I’m that unfit.
#4: THIS. Totally what I would do.
#6: That is a beautiful penis in that picture. Seriously.
#7: I like how your brain works with the female officer thing!
#8: As much as I want to join in with the lovely discussion, I have, in fact, never had the pleasure of tasting spunk before, so I’ll just say that I probably would taste it too…
#9 : I so don’t get why guys like that.
#10: Something about that just reminds me of the “Junior Patrick” in Coupling
Lovely, thought-provoking post, Beau. Keep it up!
Jill(y)
If you ever get the opportunity to taste spunk, I recommend swallowing from the back of the throat. You avoid the taste buds that way
X
Ooh, thanks for the tip! I’ll be sure to try that out when the oppertunity arises
x
This is an exceptionally fun post. Interesting to see what the ladies would do… and thought I should contribute to backup your list as being completely valid.
#1 of course we take it for granted. Just like many other things.
#2 also taken for granted and totally worth it, but you knew it would be…
#3 yes. Why not? Various beverages. Don’t forget things are magnified in glasses filled with liquid :p
#4 most prevalent shower times for moi was in gym glass (don’t look or you’re gay) and at the pool (large percentage of boys, and that ain’t right)
#5 besides swimsuits and tight-ish jeans I don’t have the balls to be obvious…though a speedo might be fun on vacation
#6 yes
#7 yup. Anywhere.
#8 never tried it but have considered it. have heard diet has a direct effect on the taste, but that’s a scientific study I’m not ready to take on solo
#9 haven’t done that since middle school…but I guess it feels fun/good in a weird sort of way
#10 on my list of things to do. Don’t think I could do myself, but could be quite fun to “double up” on someone. And I’d likely make some extras and distribute to the needy. :p
Great post! Thanks!
Diet does effect the taste. If your want the ladies to get a tasty treat, drink lots of pineapple juice an cut out coffee and alcohol.
If you want them to suffer your funky spunk do the opposite of the above and munch on asparagus. But that would be really mean so you didn’t hear it from me ok!
Ha ha good point on number 10, make extras and distribute to best girlfriends!!
Thanks for commenting it’s awesome to get some male perspective!
Beau x
What? You did a whole list and didn’t even consider pistol-whipping?!
Pistol whipping, if I ever actually get a penis I promise not to leave this out. In fact, you’re now 1st on my list to get a good pistol whipping!
X
Noo, not a hoover! You and @Hungry_Joe have so much in common…
I love that you’d do a graph of perverts.
Me, Hungry_Joe and every other male out there. Who hasn’t thought about sticking it in a Hoover??
X
This is hysterical…. No.6 and the taking and framing of pictures and sending them to ‘people’ had me cracking up.
Mollyxxx
Thanks Molly! X
This gave me several giggles. I can’t believe you left out writing your name in the snow though!! ;p
~Kazi
Damn you’re right!! Gutted I missed that one! X