This is a list I put together when I was pondering what I would do if I had a penis for the day. Because this is actually how my mind works, especially when it’s supposed to be thinking about more important things.
1. Pee standing up
This is a novelty I don’t think men appreciate. To not have to remove the lower half of your clothes, or all your clothes if you happen to be wearing a onesey. This can be a tricky procedure after a night of drinking.
Also, if we get caught out us girls have to squat in an undignified manor, there is nothing visually haunting about a man peeing in public, unless they decide to face away from the wall.
2. Stick it in a girl
Standard list entry for this subject, and I don’t mind where either. Vagina, arse, hell I would be happy to lube up her armpit and stick it there just to see what it felt like. I think the most important thing for me is knowing what that actually feels like to have your sex organ surrounded, gripped, squeezed, sucked, engulfed in someone instead of poked.
3. Stick it in anything
A jar of peanut butter crossed my mind.
A jar of nutella chocolate spread, then I would try to suck it off myself.
The furniture, I have heard tales of boys who have just worked out how much fun their willy is that they shag their mums sofa. I would.
The hoover, but not a Dyson, I want to keep my penis.
Blow up doll.
A life like sex doll.
One of those silly willy toys you used to giggle at as a kid.
Your sister, your mum, and probably your dad too.
4. Shower with other men
Ok, this one is purely driven from my female brain of wanting to know what men talk about to other men when no women are around and to see men naked in the shower.
5. Deliberately wear clothes that show off my shlong
I would go out in white linen trousers with no underwear, that are a little too tight for other people’s comfort, take one of those clicker counters and count the number of times people looked at my junk. Then I would do the same in different clothes and make a chart showing the most effective clothing for inappropriately showing your penis outline in public. And I would always wear tight Speedos to the beach, because mine would be huge, obviously.
6. Take pictures
My penis would be beautiful. It would be straight and long and wide and the kind of thing you look at and your vagina winces at and sighs at the same time. Therefore I would take pictures. I would frame these pictures, and send them to people.
I would definitely send it to girls. And I would take pictures of my penis doing everything in this list and put it on the internet for fun.
7. Masturbate anywhere
My masturbation is limited to my bedroom and the work loos when I can’t wait to get home. I feel a penis would open up so many more masturbation opportunities. As a guy I would care less about being caught. If got caught in public the officers, obviously female, will be so overcome by my beautiful penis they will immediately rush to finish me off.
8. Taste my own spunk
Men don’t get how funky spunk tastes and will still expect us girls to swallow it or play with it in our mouths like porn stars while holding back the vomit gags. And the smell! Ugh, it’s not a bad smell but it is a smell, try having that actually up your nose. I did once, don’t try it.
I have only met a couple of men who are not afraid of the taste of their own semen.
I will test the fart theory: There is nothing better than your own brew.
9. Do the windmill thing
In front of the mirror.
Laugh a lot.
Do it again and laugh some more.
Then probably get bored and have a wank.
10. Make a mould of my penis
I would make a vibrator out of my penis, so when I return to being a women, I can fuck myself.