Tags
Bondage, Humiliation, Orgasm, Public, Rope, Shibari, Submission, Subspace
With every high comes an equal and inevitable low.
I’m laying in bed looking through foggy eyes writing this or else I won’t sleep. Tears are drying on my face and I can’t be bothered to peel away the bits of hair that are stuck to my wet cheek.
Why am I upset? I wish I knew. I never cry and I feel like I am the happiest I have ever been recently.
I think it has something to do with yesterday.
I went to a rope workshop. I met a friend there, and spoke to many new people. I was feeling confident and proud of myself for mingling.
I enjoyed watching people doing their thing, being suspended and tied in all sorts of ways. You can tell those who are well practiced in rope bondage, but it’s the ones with a connection I find the most fascinating to watch.
There was a couple, or at least they looked like a couple to me. I watched him weave a web round a petite dark haired girl. She was content and he focused solely on her. He held her and wrapped length after length in intricate knots that appeared completely improvised but the finished pattern was perfect.
He followed the rope with his fingers, tying as if he was blindfolded. He pulled on her hair and stroked the bare skin on her arms. As he untied her he let the rope stroke the sensitive indents that weaved across her body. They were in harmony. He reacted to her every breath, she responded to each movement. I could see her chest moving and her face had a faint smile of bliss.
Afterwards he held her close in a little ball. Still letting a length or rope brush her skin as he stroked her hair.
My eyes followed him around the room as he chatted to friends. I found myself drawn to him. I wanted to ask about what he was doing, but I couldn’t. I caught his eyes a couple of times and for some reason convinced myself that he wouldn’t want do the same to me. I had regressed back to being in the school playground, sulking a bit because the cool guy would never be interested in me. So I got a friend to ask instead.
What happened next I cannot describe. I have been going over and over it. I have tried to work it out in my head and failed.
We sat on the floor. He started on one wrist and wrapped my arm around my chest like a hug. The rope continued around my body and he followed it over and under my breasts and knotted it around my leg spreading my thighs. He let the rope touch sensitive parts of my body with the tension. He rolled me to one side and passed a length under me so it sat against my pussy, then dragged the free end across my neck… where he went after this I cannot recall.
I looked down at my chest, the rope was pulling the fabric tight and my nipples were standing out through my vest top.
Inside something was warming up. I could feel my body reacting as if I was being touched. I didn’t know what was happening and I tried to control it. I was embarrassed. I was in a room full of people socialising around me. I was confused, and the strain was all over my face. I hid under my hair.
On one pass of the rope his wrist watch accidentally brushed my erect nipple. I remember uttering ‘Oh god, Oh god’ repeatedly under my breath because I could barely contain myself. I was holding in my voice in case I drew attention to myself.
My body wanted to come and I could barely control it.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to smile. I wanted him to just hold me. I wanted to be in a dark quiet place, just me, and him, and the rope. I wanted to come. I wanted to cry.
I held my breath, bit my lip, gritted my teeth and held it at bay.
I have spent the last 24 hours reflecting on this experience. I didn’t know things could work that way. I didn’t know my head could work that way. I didn’t know my body could work that way.
I laid there with my head in his lap as he coiled each length of rope into a neat bundle. Even when I got up, I didn’t need to ask, he just didn’t leave my side for ages after. He could tell I was struggling, but I didn’t let it get to me too much at the time. I chatted and laughed my mind and body to distraction. But all that did was save it for later. Now there is no one here, and I think that is why I am crying.
It’s the emotional confusion of something completely unexpected.
Can you make a connection like that when you don’t know someone? Can I come without being actually touched? Can I let myself go completely and enjoy my body for the wonderful feelings it gives?
The emotional strain of trying to deal with the shame of everyone around me. They could all see me but I never lifted my head to see who was watching. I was having a very sexual and intimate experience in a room full of people and he was my lifeline. Now he’s not here.
And cursing my own naivety for not understanding the full extent of what I had asked for. Damning myself because I have been so careful to avoid putting myself in a position that could leave me feeling this lost.
I wish I could tell him how I feel right now. I wish he was here to wrap me up again in his arms. I wish I could stop fucking crying.
But I wouldn’t take back the experience for anything. It was sublime.
Wow.
That’s heavy shit. I can’t even comment properly because it wouldn’t do your feelings justice. Such an intense experience.
*cuddles*
Yeah it was. Thanks for your comment. xx
Oh Mia, what an experience. I wonder if this will help you be able to connect more with your body the next time around, and be able to let go just a little more.
I would like to try it again, not for a while though!
x
Upset? Nuh-uh. Not necessarily. Speaking as someone who uses it as a safety-valve, I would say that your crying is a natural and healthy reaction to an experience so unexpected and intense. Mia, darling, all that pent-up energy has to go somewhere. So cry it out until your throat is raw and your eyes are red and blotchy if you need to. And then put some cool, damp cotton wool pads on your eyes, lie back in a darkened room, and drift. And assimilate. I am full of compersion for you, darling girl. Seems like you’ve found something you connect to very deeply. Use it wisely.
Big love and hugs.
XXX
Thank you so much for saying this, its all true. I completely agree with you. Feeling much better now I have caught up on sleep and spent a long time talking to a good friend about the experience.
I had no idea how deep it goes. I knew I enjoyed bondage, and especially rope, but this is a another level I wasn’t expecting. A good level! I hope it wasn’t a fluke. I hope I don’t get scared if there’s ever another time.
Thank you :)
x
Why do feel shame in that place…. in that moment…. Do you know what people see when they look at you when you are like that? They see beauty, serene, raw, delicious beauty. I am sure there was many a person in that room desperate to reach out and touch you in that moment… you should not feel shame, you have to let that go and accept all the parts of you… for all the parts of you are beautiful.
Mollyxxx
Thank you for reminding me of this, because this is what I see when I watch others. But I can’t get round it in my head still.
Thank you Molly xx
My breath changed through my reading of this – that heavy breathlessness in wanting to empathise with your experience.
Sometimes catharsis isn’t about screaming and shouting and receiving physical impact but the internal shifting of the binds we place on ourselves. It seems that this experience had that kind of internal unwinding in the act of being physically bound.
Hugs,
LP x
I agree with you, and as always so beautiful put!
Things have certainly shifted!
Thanks for you comment, can’t wait to finally meet you!
x
Thanks for sharing this intimate and wonderful experience. I found this via a retweet from @asparkle2 and was blown away by your descriptive powers and emotions.
Thank you, I am blown away by everyones comments.
x
I don’t even know what to say about this. What a powerful and moving account of an incredibly intense experience. This really leaves me breathless.
Thank you Tonya :)
x
Hello, mia.
I have been on the other end of this. A couple of years ago, a friend asked if I would take her to the local BDSM dungeon/club. This was before little girl Rach came along, and we only went as friends, a convenience trip, both to not appear out of place as singles.
During the evening, she asked me if I wanted to practice a “knot” (as she called it) that I’d seen but wanted to try to imitate before I looked up the instructions. Having handled rope and line since I was a boy, this is not unusual for me.
Long story short, the tie was Dragonfly Sleeves (see youtube vid at youtube.com/watch?v=GovRlmcteB8) and I anchored it at the top wrong, wrapping both lines around her neck, rather than each around her respective shoulder. Now, I knew what I was doing in that the neck wrap was VERY loose (4 finger clearance) and posed no choking hazard. None the less, while tying this on her for practice, with her fully clothed, the neck wrap seated itself at the front of her throat and, without affecting her breathing, sent her into subspace.
When I finished tying, and untied her, she didn’t know where she was, who she was, or what was going on. All she knew was to go to my voice. I helped her to a large upholstered chair and covered her with a blanket for her to recover. A friend sat with her, just touching her on the outside of the blanket while I recovered my ropes left on the deck on the other side of the dungeon. It was a good hour before she was able to think and/or walk. When she could, we left. It was an hour drive to her house, and she was groggy the whole time, but improving, and by the time we arrived, she could take care of herself. She alternatively smiled and cried the whole drive home.
Your response is normal for someone who has just experienced a well being tapped into a depth of their darkness that was here-to-fore untapped. I am proud of you for trying, and proud of you for listening to Molly because she’s right, I have seen you conduct yourself, and you are a damn pretty person, and to hell with the nay-sayers who say otherwise. They’re wrong. You deserve trying this as much as anyone in the world, absolutely equally. That, young lady, is simply an undeniable fact. I hope you can get progressively more and more used to that fact as time and involvement here go by.
G
If I had someone there, or it wasn’t in a public environment, I would have cried. I stopped myself. It was like I had tunnel vision for ages because I couldn’t look at anyone. I know I need someone, like you were there for her, which is why I am trying to be careful to not let myself get into this state of mind.
Thank you for the comment, I really appreciate it.
Mia x
I think that what the rope does for you is that it makes you feel safe.. bound up in a way that life does not give you at the moment but the rope can… the problem is that the ropes must be undone and after the rope is gone…where is the safety?
You are on bold journey to find who you are, but without someone to help, guide, and give you strength. You are as your blog is titled .. a little girl lost. Do not give up on this journey because the real secret is.. you are not alone… just look at the comments on this post. You have many people to turn to when you are questioning what is happening and touchstones who will gladly help keep you on a good path until you find what it is that keeps you forever bound..safe…every single day.
Thank you :)
I know this is all true and I am so grateful to have people like you in my life looking out for me. Thank you for this.
xx
Your writing is beautiful, I felt swept up in what you were feeling at the time, and afterwards. I hope that you have found peace with it in your head, and are ok. – your writing makes ME want to try rope like that.
Yes I am happy now. It’s all part of learning and understanding, I seek these things to be pushed to the extreme and the experience is worth it.
Thank you for your comment Sylvia. x
Thanks for sharing this post and your emotions. I know based on your experience and all the follow up comments now the reason I am so attracted to the rope play. I only hope to find someone someday that can take me down that path.