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I have a confession. I spent the night with someone else. Nothing happened except a lot of talk and a few fascinating films showing German women auditioning for BDSM porn. They would be put through their paces with various instruments. I could see their demeanour change as this man barked orders and systematically tortured them with everything from a paddle to needles. If they handled it well, they got the job. One girl walked out telling everyone to fuck off after one crack with the whip. Everything seems so much more harsh in German.

As I watched the films I changed. I felt myself sinking like the girls in the audition. My new friend was sat on the sofa behind me and I was cross-legged on the floor. The lack of eye contact was a comfort, he couldn’t see my expression change until we moved outside for some air.

‘You’ve gone all meek.’ He said.

A stark contrast of the fun, flirtatious girl he was attracted to.

Fuck off! I screamed in my head.

I was uncomfortable about feeling this way in front of someone new. Tapping into my submissive side, it was a little bit worrying but exciting at the same time. The girls in the films had taken me with them.

I said, ‘It’s not about the control someone has over you, it’s about the lack of control you have over your own reactions. Your body. Your mind. I get frustrated. Sometimes I just want to be me.’ I was sitting on the chair hugging my knees hiding my face as I spoke.

‘Isn’t the lack of control over yourself one of the desirable parts about discovering this side of you?’ He asked.

I didn’t respond. It was a rhetorical question and either way he knew the answer, which frustrated me further. As he went in, I stayed outside a little longer and wrote this. Sensing that I needed a minute to myself, he didn’t chase me up, he just waited patiently in the front room.

I was enjoying his company, discussions and debates around the whole BDSM topic. It was truly a pleasure to converse with someone new and intelligent who was open to sharing their own experiences. We would cross a certain topic, then I would feel a shift, then we would laugh about something and I was back. I was able to hide it, I think, until those films.

But, someone else seeing me this way when he didn’t actually do or say anything to me…

“You’ve gone all meek.”

This rattled around in my head. Even over simple words, these conflicting feelings returned. The fact that he pointed out the obvious change in my character was humiliating. I couldn’t hide it like before, but then, did I want to?

“You’ve gone all meek.”

No I’m not! I yelled in my head. I wanted to bounce right back in his face!

I wanted to continue being the outgoing confident me. I had no intention on progressing this further than an enjoyable night and I hate any circumstance where I would be this way when I didn’t want to be.

Sitting there hugging my knees I reached out for his hand like I wanted him to pull me back to the surface. I don’t want to be here with you, with anyone else, yet.

After a few times of ducking in and out of my submissiveness, I was feeling a little confused and frustrated by my own reactions. I was deep in thought.

I realised that I haven’t given up control over myself yet. When I want to be me, I want to keep it that way. Out in the pub with friends, walking down a street in a public place, and it’s not because I am adverse to the whole public thing either. (Maybe one day!)

It’s partly because I enjoy being me and submissive me can’t socialise, can’t even look anyone in the eye, can’t bounce around and flirt and dance as I do; But mostly because I’m learning I have no control over my reactions whether in private or public space. Grab my arm in a certain way, whisper a certain phrase in my ear and my eyes lower and I am glued to the spot. I don’t think I am ready for that level of control. Maybe I need to find the right person.

Immediately after I jotted this down, I found myself again and managed to stay above water for the rest of the evening.